So your spouse wants to write/is writing/can’t (or won’t) stop writing a book.
First of all, STAY CALM. There is hope. (Well, not really, but what kind of survival guide would this be if I said things were hopeless?) While there might not be a cure, you can relieve some of the symptoms if you play your cards right.
Step 1: Monitor the situation carefully. Are they talking to themselves? Refusing to wear anything besides pajamas? It will be okay. This is all very normal behavior for novelists. It’s even normal for them to Google ways to kill without leaving a trace, so don’t take it personally. You’re probably fine to still sleep with them at night, unless that is, you are bothered by their constantly getting up to write down new plot ideas at all hours.
However, if they start crying over every rejection, or going into fits of rage whenever another big name celebrity gets a book deal, it’s probably best to move to the next stage…
2. Chocolate. Chocolate is always the answer. If they ask whether their critique partner was right about their weak prose, simply shrug your shoulders and offer chocolate. If they spend an hour looking at the blinking cursor on their screen without writing a single word, offer chocolate. Bad review? Chocolate. Twitter pitch contest? Chocolate. It’s always chocolate.
Step 3: Learn some basic publishing terms so you can follow along when your spouse starts going off on the “state of publishing” or “indie vs. traditional” or any other host of things that are likely to spark a fifteen minute monologue. (Be prepared, these monologues can sometimes be accompanied by tears, so have a tissue handy).
Step 4: Practice phrases like, “No, it’s okay, I didn’t really want dinner tonight”, and “I think yoga pants are sexy,” and “Who cares if the house is a pigsty?”. These will come in handy more times than you can count.
Step 5: Get used to it. Face the facts. Writing is an incurable disease, so you might as well get on board. I hope you enjoy crazy!
Dianne K. Salerni says
January 30, 2015 at 4:45 pm"I think yoga pants are sexy." Ha, ha, ha. The only problem with that is he's going to expect you to stop writing and … you know … see that thought through to conclusion. Try not to call him by the name of your protag's love interest while that's going on. It gets awkward.
tianasmith says
January 30, 2015 at 7:58 pmDianne, I laughed SO HARD at this comment 🙂
Beth Ellyn Summer says
January 30, 2015 at 7:32 pmha! I love this. "It's even normal for them to Google ways to kill without leaving a trace, so don't take it personally. " the FBI is probably tracing me with some of the stuff I've googled! and you don't even know the rage that ensues when I see celebs getting book deals. It is the one thing I can't get past (especially when one "wrote" a book with my exact plot and sold at auction when I wrote the book 2 yrs ago…no I'm not bitter, not at all! lol)
tianasmith says
January 30, 2015 at 8:00 pmSERIOUSLY!! Amiright?
Shelley Sly says
February 2, 2015 at 4:54 pmHa, this is so true. In the years that I've been married, my husband has gone from knowing almost nothing about the writing/publishing world to learning all the steps of the writing & publishing processes, thanks to my rambles/rants. He even expects my rollercoaster of emotions (loving my WIP, hating my WIP, and eventually settling on thinking it's pretty good.)
Julie Dao says
February 2, 2015 at 6:17 pmMan – it's a good thing we are so lovable!!! I'm glad I'm not married to a writer 😉 I'd rather be the writer and have someone put up with me!!!
tianasmith says
February 3, 2015 at 3:46 amJulie – So true 🙂
Stephen Tremp says
February 4, 2015 at 3:43 amha! A great post. Often wifey and the kids only see the back of my head. But I make it up to them with dinner and movies and such.
And thanks for stopping by during the Blitz and saying hello.
Morgan says
February 4, 2015 at 5:09 amHahahahaha!!!! Holy crap, Tiana… I am LAUGHING… this is the funniest thing EVER… the dinner and yoga pants are KILLING me…
tianasmith says
February 4, 2015 at 3:37 pmMorgan – you know I'm not the one who cooks around my house, and it's a good thing the hubby does, or we'd all go hungry!
Cortney Pearson says
February 4, 2015 at 5:34 pmHa!! This is hilarious, and totally describes MY life! So many days I look up and it's already 2 in the afternoon and I'm still in pjs. So then I get dressed…into yoga pants. Lol. 😀
Crystal Collier says
February 4, 2015 at 7:33 pmLOL! I think my hubby would get a kick out of this post. He's so supportive, but sometimes…
Zan Marie says
February 6, 2015 at 8:39 pmSpouses have to take us like we are. 😉 Thanks for dropping by my blog on Blitz Day!
DL Hammons says
February 7, 2015 at 4:59 pmThe worst part is when…bless their heart…they try to offer comfort by attempting to explain-away harsh reviews or comments. It's like seeing the knife sticking out of your chest and saying…"At least it's only a butter knife." 🙂
GREAT post!
Jay Noel says
February 23, 2015 at 4:04 pmWe're both writers, so I guess you could say our household dynamic is…um…interesting?
David P. King says
February 25, 2015 at 4:47 pmI am SO directing this post to my wife. At least she likes to peak over my shoulder to see what I've got on the screen from time to time. 🙂
Tyrean Martinson says
March 3, 2015 at 6:47 pmI laughed and laughed through this, and like David, I'm directing this to my hubs. 🙂
The Other Half says
March 3, 2015 at 7:59 pmYour other half says all the chocolate in the "Pigsty" is mine!!! 🙂
Jemi Fraser says
March 16, 2015 at 4:40 pmLove it! And yes, yes, yes, chocolate is always the answer!
Adam Gaylord says
March 19, 2015 at 2:25 amHa! I need to forward this to my wife.
And yoga pants are sexy, btw.
Jamie Burch says
March 21, 2015 at 6:33 pmToo funny! #4 really cracked me up. So…I'm trying to decide if nodding my head to all of these is a good thing or bad. Happy spring! 🙂
Caryn Caldwell says
March 22, 2015 at 2:50 amHa! This is perfect! (It also makes me feel kind of sorry for my husband, since he has to live with a writer. :-D)
Stephanie Faris says
March 28, 2015 at 1:04 amAh so true! I do spend a large part of my day in yoga pants. We eat more meals out than we probably should but if it weren't for restaurants, I'd probably never see anyone but my dog and my husband!